Wer andern eine Bratwurst brät,
hat ein Bratwurstbratgerät...!
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Wer andern eine Bratwurst brät,
hat ein Bratwurstbratgerät...!
Die Frau hat schon Wehen und muß gleich ins Krankenhaus. Der mann drängelt aber noch.
"Komm, laß es uns noch einmal tun!"
"Bist Du verrückt? Ich werd ald entbunden!"
"Komm schon! Ein letztes mal noch!"
Die Frau gibt klein bei und sie vollziehen ihren beischlaf. Kurze Zeit später wird das Kind geboren und kann schon sprechen. Die Hebamme hält es, als es anfängt zu reden.
"Bist Du mein Papa?"
"Nein, ich bin nur die Hebamme..."
Die Hebamme ist sichtlich verwirrt und gibt das Kind weiter an den Arzt.
"Bist Du mein Papa?"
Der Artz guck verdutzt und sagt
"Nein ich bin nur der Doktor..." Der Doktor gib das Kand weiter zu dem Vater.
"Bist Du aber mein Papa?"
"Ja, das bin ich, mein Sohn!"Das Kind beginnt ihm mit seiner Faust gegen die Stirn zu hämmern: "Tut das wohl weh? Tut das wohl weh?"
Wie war das?
"mein fruchtwasser läuft aus"
"dann hol dir'n neues"
:D
Was gilt für U-Boote wie für Computer?
- Never open Windows
da ich hier keinen Link posten kann gibts keinen Witz
Sagt ein Freund zum anderen: "Du, gestern habe ich den Dr.Müller in der Stadt gesehen. Der hat ja einen Golfsack!"
"Oh der arme Kerl!"erwidert der andere.
"Wieso armer Kerl"
"Na,überleg doch mal wie weh schon ein Tennisarm tut!!!"
Auszug aus The Grand List of Overused Science Fiction Clichés
Section IV: Silly Science[list=1]
[*] Super-intelligent computers blow up when the hero confuses them. [*] Super-intelligent computers get confused when the hero says to them "everything I say is a lie" or some other paradoxical statement. [*] Space vessels lack fuses, circuit breakers, and surge supressors, so that the control panels explode when some distant portion of the ship is damaged. [*] Computers get reprogrammed by someone who has no knowledge of the computer's operating system. [*] Computer terminals display the current operation (e.g., "UPLOADING VIRUS") in huge, flashing letters. [*] The patently obvious design flaws in a vehicle or weapon system go uncorrected during the entire life cycle of the system in question. [*] A vehicles and/or weapon systems is deployed in an entirely impractical environment. [*] Spacecraft features have been pointlessly carried over from water-borne designs. [*] Untested medical treatment is used. It's 100% effective and has no side effects. [*] Some acquires a medical condition that will be fatal in an amount of time expressed to the tenth significant digit; the cure is found and applied in the nick of time, enabling a 100% recovery. [*] A robot is shot and bleeds oil. [*] Spacecraft, when shot, blow up as if they had been packed with gasoline and liquid oxygen. [*] Computers, when shot, explode as if they had been stuffed full of Roman candles. [*] An item of technology is quickly reverse-engineered by a far less advanced group of researchers. [*] A group of aliens is smart enough to steal someone else's technology, but too stupid to make any improvements on it. [*] A technological development progresses from half-baked theory to useful implementation in fifteen minutes instead of fifteen months. [*] After twenty years of crew members being tossed around like rag dolls, the spacecraft still has no seatbelts. [*] Nuclear weapons have an effect well out of proportion for reasonable yields. [*] Computer security protocols are overridden merely by saying "override" to the computer. [*] A clone grows to match the cloned person's state of physiological development in a small fraction of the time. [*] Clones think, act, and speak in a manner indistinguishable from that of the cloned person. [*] Clones come out of the cloning vat with the same haircut as the individual cloned. [*] AI software has unique properties that prevent it from being copied or transmitted like any other data. [*] AI software is able to bypass the security protocols of the operating system in which it runs. [*] On-board computers always know exactly how long it will take for the malfunction to blow up the ship. [*]. Computers that exist in the far future or are alleged to be 'cutting edge,' will demonstrate less functionality than a Commodore 64. [*] Two races which have never contacted each other, cannot speak each other's language, and cannot possibly have worked out compatible protocols for transmission of image and sound can nonetheless communicate over their ships viewscreens upon first contact. [*] Twentieth century firearms are abandoned, even though the high-tech replacement is significantly more complex to engineer, more costly to build, and is not appreciably deadlier, longer-ranged, or more accurate. [*] When an extra or a minor character is shot, they fall over immediately dead; when a major character is shot, they either survive with a nasty-looking wound, or they linger long enough to utter some parting words. [*] Lasers are visible when travelling through the vacuum of outer space. [*] A robot that can't climb stairs is deployed in an aread where stairs are common. [*] A tactical system that can only deal with targets visible to the naked eye is still considered worthwhile. [*] "Reversing the polarity" is the solution to virtually every engineering problem. [*] Laser beams travel about as quickly as an arrow. [*] Heroes/ships can dodge laser beams because the beams travel about as quickly as an arrow. [*] Alien artifacts still work after being abandoned for a million years. [*] Spaceships make a whoosh as they go by. [*] Huge, expensive spacecraft are used to transport inexpensive goods in tiny quantities. [*] Stars go shooting past the spaceship as it flies through space. [*] A large dose of radiation results in super powers instead of super tumors. [*] A large dose of radiation causes an individual creature to "evolve" into a more advanced form. [*] The solution for a problem solved four weeks ago is thrown away and never seen again. [*] When a character is aged prematurely, or cured of premature aging, hair that has already grown changes color to match. [*] A space vessel is sent out on missions before its systems are fully operational. [*] The Hero knows how to defuse the bomb, but can't remember which of two wires to cut. [*] When a computer is working on a difficult problem, the increased power requirements cause the room lights to dim or flicker. [*] Robots that despite their size and function are designed with exactly the same features as a human (two arms and legs, ten fingers, two eyes, same joint system, etc.) [*] Somebody lifts a car (or some other heavy object) with his bionic arm, even though the rest of his body is normal flesh and bone and couldn't possibly support the load. [*] The plans for a complicated device can be downloaded onto a 1.44 Meg floppy. [*] Increasing a computer beyond a certain level of speed, memory capacity, or complexity causes it to become self-aware. [*] Creatures capable of changing their shapes can also alter their mass while they're at it. [*] A hole the size of a barn is made in the hull of a space ship; decompression of the ship's atmosphere takes a half minute or so. [*] A hole the size of a dime is made in the hull of a space ship; decompression of the ship's atmosphere takes a half minute or so. [*] A large nuclear explosion can be obtained by putting several smaller devices together. [*] The same energy beam which causes rocks, buildings and robots to violently explode produces only a puff of smoke and a bit of burnt flesh and clothing when used on a living being. [*] The sewers/ventilation ducts provide easy access throughout the city/ship/castle. [*] All computers have madly whirling tape drives. [*] When something explodes in space, the shock wave is ring-shaped. [*] When an orbiting space vessel is crippled or otherwise put out of action, it immediately starts falling out of orbit. [*] A shape-shifter whose natural form is homogenous can be knocked out with a blow to the head when in humanoid form. [*] The narrow energy beam disintegrates the entire person it hits, and his clothing and possessions, but doesn't leave so much as a stain on the chair he is sitting in or the ground he is standing on. [/list=1]
Geburtstagsgrüsse
Etwas grau und etwas kahl,
ach, die Jugend war einmal.
Doch was nützt denn das Gewimmer,
lieber Freund es kommt noch schlimmer.
Haare wachsen aus den Ohren,
der Geruchssinn geht verloren,
dabei hast Du noch zu kämpfen,
um den Nasensaft zu dämpfen,
der sich an der Spitze sammelt
und als Tropfen runterbammelt.
Flach und trüb liegt die Pupille,
trotz der scharf geschliff'nen Brille.
Du bekommst Paradontose,
Deine Zähne werden lose.
Schmerzhaft, wie Sie einst gekommen,
werden sie Dir rausgenommen.
Und das künstliche Gebiss
ist ein arges Hinderniss!!!
Schweigen wir von Nierenschmerzen,
starkem Klopfen an dem Herzen,
von dem Magen - diesen Hund,
keinesfalls ist er gesund!
Unten ist die Bauchwand faltig,
der Urin ist zuckerhaltig.
Der Popo, einst straff und rund,
leidet stark an Muskelschwund!
Wenn Dir mal ein Wind entfleucht,
wird Dir gleich die Hose feucht.
Und des Mastdarms volle Falten,
können kaum den Stuhlgang halten.
Oftmals stören Deinen Frieden,
walnussgrosse Hämorhoiden.
Und die sogenannte gute,
vielgepries'ne Wünschelrute,
hängt als leichtgekrümmter Schlauch,
unter'm faltenreichen Bauch.
Nur zum Pinkeln lediglich
dient der Schnippeldillerich.
Und er ist an dieser Stelle
wirklich keine Freudenquelle!
Sogar die holde Weiblichkeit
wittert dies und weiss Bescheid.
Schonungslos kommt sie zum Schluss,
er ist sittsam, - weil er muss!!
Doch trotz allem, lieber Knabe,
bringen wir als gute Gabe,
Wünsche für das nächste Jahr,
Dein Urin sei wieder klar,
alle Glieder soll'n sich straffen,
Du sollst klettern wie die Affen!
Kurz:
Du sollst zum Playboy werden,
viele Jahre noch auf Erden!
... mehr davon gibts hier
Eine Frau begleitet ihren Ehemann zum Arzt. Nach dem Check-Up ruft der Arzt die Ehefrau allein in sein Zimmer und sagt:
"Ihr Ehemann ist in einer schrecklichen Verfassung. Er leidet unter einer sehr schweren Krankheit, die mit Stress verbunden ist. Sie müssen meinen Anweisungen folgen, oder er wird sterben:
Machen Sie ihm jeden Morgen ein nahrhaftes Fruehstueck. Zum Mittagessen geben Sie ihm ein gutes Essen, das er mit zur Arbeit nehmen kann und am Abend kochen Sie ihm ein wirklich wohlschmeckendes Abendessen. Nerven Sie ihn nicht mit Alltäglichem und und Kleinigkeiten, die seinen Stress noch verschlimmern könnten. Besprechen Sie keine Probleme mit ihm. Versuchen Sie ihn zu entspannen und massieren Sie ihn häufig. Er soll vor allem viel Teamsport im Fernsehen ansehen und am wichtigsten, befriedigen Sie ihn komplett mehrmals die Woche sexuell.
Wenn Sie das die nächsten zehn Monate tun, wird er wieder ganz gesund werden."
Auf dem Weg nach Hause fragt ihr Ehemann: "Was hat der Arzt dir gesagt?"
"Du wirst sterben", antwortet die Frau.
What if someone else directed Star Wars?
· Stanley Kubrick. Galaxy overrun by juvenile delinquents. Vader renamed "Darth Hal."
· Francis Ford Coppola. Emperor insists on being called "Godfather." Says the Jedi "sleeps with the fishes tonight."
· Oliver Stone. The Supreme Chancellor is assassinated by fascist fanatic Lee Ozwaldo. Investigators uncover a massive plot involving another gunman in the "grassy Naboo."
· Adrian Lyne. In a scorching 20 minute sex scene Anakin shows Padme his "Jedi love tricks." Later a spurned Padme boils Anakin's pet Ewok.
· Spike Lee. When corrupt Imperial Troopers are exonerated, riots break out on the ghetto planet Kompton. To restore order the Jedi Council calls on the militant left wing group the Black Banthas.
· M. Night Shyamalan. Young Padawan learner haunted by visions. "I see digital people."